i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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