She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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