The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
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I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
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I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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