She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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