Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
