I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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