That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
