My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
