There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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