doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
