Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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