I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
