Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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