Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
