its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
