I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
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I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
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Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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