it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dicks are not precious.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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