i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
