The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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