if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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