i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
