I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
