my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i think i just lost a toe
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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