I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
