I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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