apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
