she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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