dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
