You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
