If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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