This is not my ceiling
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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