grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
