I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
