You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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