I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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