Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
