So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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