Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
