I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
