What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
