I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
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YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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