he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
