awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
