you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have aggressive nipples.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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