"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
