I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
