i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
