I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
