How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
