Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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