MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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