I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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