I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
