Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
