you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
